My over-education has prevented me from getting married

It seems that I am being reminded more than usual of my current relationship status by my friends and well-wishers alike inquiring into my love life and sending me postings of get-togethers, religious rants and cutesy romance pics. I appreciate the concern and strategically well-placed bits of useless advice. Really, I do. But YES, I've been on J-Date; YES, I go to Shul; YES, I try to go to as many Jewish events as I can; YES, I've been on many a shidduch - thank you for putting these great ideas in my head cause it NEVER occurred to me to try these things out. Over the years I have spent a small fortune on dating websites and various Jew-Dos with few results, aside from meeting my brother in law (prior to meeting my sister) at a lock and key party and meeting my X through a dating website. Despite 5+ years and a short engagement later, I’m still checking the ‘single’ option on my tax return. As Gina would say “you have to kiss a lot of frogs”- which is usually used in reference to choosing glasses, but it works well in this scenario. Regardless, I think I have a wart.

A friend of mine inadvertently sent me a blog posting the other day talking about what is considered  to be one of the happiest days of the year; the 15^th of Av which is the day that we celebrate love and matchmaking. The article tells of how back in the day, the daughters of Jerusalem would wear borrowed clothes and dance in the vineyards to try and catch the eye of any single man who may be looking for a bride. This being 2015, I need to modernize this concept. I could borrow my sister’s dress and go do the chicken dance in the liquor store as I live in Toronto and the closest vineyard would be at least a 2-3 hour drive away. Would this get me a date? Perhaps with a security guard or an orderly at the local psych ward. As much as I love my friend, the article didn’t do much for me or my ego.

If this was not bad enough, a few days later Revi G talked about it at shul. He spoke of the dancing daughters and how it’s a mitzvah to help us single folk. 'We need to think about our single friends and see how we can help them meet someone; invite them for Shabbat or help make a shidduch'. I noticed how he avoided eye contact with me while he spoke. I am the 'young' single woman of the group, after all.

It is said that God determines one’s soul mate 40 days before conception. That is some wacky pre-planning, especially when one may not even be a thought or consideration to their future parents at that time. Either way, if I do my math and calculate correctly, the 40 days + conception + pregnancy + 40 years (converting the day-to-year factor by x10 and cross multiply the fractions) then I am right on track and should be meeting my bashert ANY time now! Can you tell I achieved an A+ in math? The problem is that God may know who my soul mate is, but I don't. Like most people, we know what we like in the opposite sex and from experience, we know what we don't want. Our soul mate is exactly that; the other half of your soul, the missing part of your very being.

I recently read a great piece of advice on trying to decide if the person you are dating is the right one to marry. It said to take a piece of paper and make 3 columns and list them as ‘must haves’, ‘important to have’ and ‘bonuses’. Under each column it suggests to put as many items as you wish as this is supposed to be what one is seeking in their bashert. For example, under the first I put “makes me laugh and Jewish”, under the second I put “loves dogs” and “can cook” and under the last I put “tall and nerdy”. Yes, the geekier and lankier the better - but it doesn't mean that is who I will end up with. There really isn’t a right or wrong trait as this is what we are attracted to and our heart desires - and to see how many of these traits our prospective mates have. It is a good exercise to do, and when someone asks what you are looking for in a man/woman, we can refer back to the list. By the by, if I were Wiccan, the paper would have been set ablaze and the ashes buried. Whatever helps I say.

The problem is that we put too much pressure on ourselves and what we want from others. We have to lose those few pounds, do our hair and makeup, wear the right outfit and say the right things. Don't want to offend, or scare someone off. Don't talk about this or that, say that you love everything, and will go anywhere. Or, many people are alone because their list of 'must haves' is so long, there isn't any room for anything else. I read dating profiles and many men my age all want to meet a woman who is half their age, athletic and works out 6 days a week, cooks, cleans, religious, pious and can balance a plate on a pole on their nose while hula-hooping and braiding a challah. Can't YOU do all that?

Aside from the constant reminders of my singleness this week, one of the inspirations of this blog is the lack-of-dating theory someone told me the other day. She said that the reason for her being single and men not wanting do date her was what she referred to as “her three O’s”; she is overweight, overeducated and over-aged. I said with an attitude like that, I wouldn’t want to date you either. I think the O’s should have been overbearing, overly-annoying and over-negative. I wouldn’t say that being in one’s 40’s or 50’s is old, I was never a waif and always had a boyfriend or a date; I have spent 8 years of my adult life earning a degree (technically two) and a diploma and I am constantly wanting to expand my education and currently learning Hebrew and a hint of Russian. I love learning new things every day. How can a person possibly be over educated to the point that it is unattractive to the opposite sex? I knew there was a reason I wasn't married. Now I know. Please remember this is NOT a friend of mine, but an acquaintance of an acquaintance.

Yes, physical attraction is a factor in every relationship, but if a person has a lousy attitude and/or lack of confidence, they will come off as unattractive and will turn people off. No one is perfect, and I’ve only met one person who face and ears are symmetrical. It is our idiosyncrasies and imperfections that make who we are and if there is something that you do not like about yourself, then do something about it. It’s a matter of waiting to find someone who appreciates your quirks and adores you just the way you are.

A rabbi said that we need to explore our religion and like our lives and who we are first before looking for our bashert. Pray for others in the same situation as you, so you may receive the blessing first as well a your friend; do a mitzvah so that you will merit the blessing of finding your soul mate; put your faith and heart in God's hands and trust that His timing is always right. In the mean time, please stop kvetching to me cause I don't wanna hear it.

Baby steps..