It was easier to get tickets to Elton John

Well it’s that time of year again for the obligatory attendance at Shul for the high holy days. For most Jews, this is the only time of year that they are at services; others may also come for Kaddish, but for the most part, just these few days.

Rosh Hashanah is the Jewish New Year’s celebration where apples and honey are a-plenty, we eat too much, and hear the shofar! With the addition of Yom Kippur; we fast, ask that our sins are forgiven, honor and remember those who have passed, clear up loans, perform extra mitzvot, and start anew with a clean slate. We are being judged, after all. More importantly, we get our hair, nails and makeup done, buy (at least) 2 new outfits with matching shoes, and make sure we look fabulous when we are `seen` at synagogue. After all, NO ONE wants to be in the same designer outfit (with matching hat?) that they wore to temple last year. Really!

It is almost as exciting as sitting at the Ritz Carlton during the Toronto International Film Festival waiting to see who will show up, and with whom. The who’s who of the Jewish community arrive in all their Chanel splendor; like peacocks with hats, pressed garments, botoxed forheads and shiny patented leather shoes, making sure that none of us common folk are sitting in their reserved seats. And much like an arts festival, there are billboards and media signs all over the place letting you know that tickets are ‘on sale now’ and to 'get yours early before it's sold out'. What is this? Cirque Du Soliel? I love religion; Mormons have portable leaflet stands, Evangelists have television and 1-800 numbers, and Jews have sandwich boards! Got an app for that too?

As a retired theatre technician, I know a bit about ticket selling and acquiring. No matter what, there are ALWAYS last-minute ticket deals and people who know people that can get you in. So imagine my ____________(insert appropriate word here; horror, chagrin, surprise, shock, disappointment, frustration, incomprehension, etc.) when I quickly found out the task that was before me; trying to get A (as in one, single, individual, only) ticket for myself for as close to free as I can get. Please remember I am in the process of completing my courses and now have to shell out $1600 to write an exam, so spending $200 to attend Shul is a lot of money to me right now. So with many phone calls, texts and favors asked, this is what I got;

Roadblock #1 – You have to be a member of the synagogue in order for you to get a ticket. No ‘outsiders’ allowed. Huh?

Roadblock #2 – Even though my father is on the board of directors, he cannot get you a ticket. Sorry. Okay..

Roadblock #3 – Only those who are attending services may volunteer as an usher because they are already here. No, you aren’t allowed to help out because you aren’t a member or have a ticket. What the what?

Roadblock #4 – Sure you can come to Chabad for free, but you will have to stand at the back of the room with everyone else. Sounds cozy.

Roadblock #5 – For $35, you can attend a lecture/seminar. It’s not a real service, but you are welcome to come. Alrighty then.

Can ANYONE feel my frustration? Anyone? Bueller?

My P in T asked me the other day if I ever had a problem, could I go to my Rabbi and talk to him about it? I said I didn't know, but I am always up for a challenge. So, with this in mind, I approached Revi G and asked if  he could recommend a synagogue that I could go to for services (aside from Chabad). Why? Because I am a poor, single student who is spending the last of her savings on an exam and cannot afford to pay. Humiliating enough? He said to leave it with him, and he would work on it and talk to a few people, then we will talk 'offline' about it. Ironically, I contacted him online to talk offline and he replied online to talk offline about what was said online. Got it? The end result is that he arranged for the Shul to allow me a ticket. I may have to sit with the livestock, clean the loos, work the coat check or wash his car, but I have a golden ticket and I'm off to the chocolate factory! THANK YOU, REVI G!!

So, am I telling you to harass your Rabbi for a comp? No. I am very fortunate that my Rabbi knows me, and that I am sincere, attend services on a regular basis, and that I actually want to be there. I also have to put up with his puns every week, but that is something else. Technically, I didn't ask him for a freebee, but that just happened to be the end result. He decided to do something nice for one of his congregants and did his big mitzvah before the holidays. Or, he just took pity on me, whatever works I suppose. I'm still honored and grateful.

People keep telling me that a Shul cannot turn you away, or try to negotiate with them and say what you can afford to pay. Well I am not willing to show up the day of and seeing what happens, nor am I going to beg and humiliate myself further - I've already asked for a 'student discount' on a membership, and was turned down. Look, I understand the concept of memberships and ticket sales - again, former theatre tech here, and that this is the time of year when synagogues make their money because people do not want to fork out the $1000+ to attend services a few times a year. But when a person calls up and says they want to be there, but needs a little help with the money situation, the Shul should be a little more accommodating - I did offer to usher as a barter. All I'm saying.

So with this hullabaloo behind me (I'll feel better with ticket in hand), I now need to press my dress, cut my hair, do my nails, match my shoes and wear the right accessories. Next year I will be able to purchase my ticket and buy that new outfit..with a matching hat, of course!

baby steps..

 

I hear the 'Pocket Jew' is all the rage

I would like to give a shout out to M and my P in T Amy – this one’s for you. Literally.

One of the first things I did when I began this journey was go to the library. There, I went to the religion section and took out a small stack of books to get me started. You may not be surprised as to how many books there are about Judaism, Jewish lifestyle, cooking, etc. In the back of the first book was a listing of websites of various Jewish organizations to further one’s questions and curiosities, one of which was an organization that pairs people with Torah partners. They match you with someone of a similar age and sex in your city to either meet in person or talk on the phone to discuss whatever you want to talk about in relation to Judaism (of course). After a telephone interview to find out what I would like to discuss, I am asked what is it that I am interested in learning? EVERYTHING! Is that too much? I hope you have someone to help me with this.  After a month of impatiently waiting (and a follow up phone call) they found me a tutor. Enter Amy *taaa daaa*.

My P in T (partner in Torah) Amy is a petite, frummy mummy with a smile that's infectious and a laugh to adore. A Sephardic woman (shtetl and all) who has agreed to take on the challenge of intentionally putting up with me and my inquisitive mind, poor thing. She insists that she isn't a teacher and not sure if she could give me Hebrew lessons. I beg to differ. First of all, she used to teach English; second, I say that if you know something that I do not and you are willing to help me learn about it, than THAT makes you a teacher. To further drive my point home, Merriam Webster defines teacher as 'a person who passes along information or skill'. Can't argue with that, so on with the show.

We are starting off semi-slowly teaching me to read and write Hebrew, although she insists I put off the writing for now. She constantly reminds me of what a mitzvah it is to learn Hebrew and study Torah, and I constantly remind her how I’m filling my time doing something I enjoy and want to do for myself. Potato, potahto, I suppose. The greatest surprise of all is that we are BOTH learning as we go. If there is a question that she does not know the answer to, she jots it down and gets back to me with the answer, providing her rabbi actually gives her one. I think the master is becoming the student, grasshopper. Now go paint the fence!

So when I went to Shul this past Saturday night, imagine my excitement when I was able to muddle through a few of the brachahs! Yay me! I got such a thrill that the ants in my pants were doing the Macarena. I kept asking M questions about words and pronunciations and I didn’t want to put down my siddur. Unfortunately when it was time for Kiddush, M and Revi G rather I sat in the dining room with everyone else opposed to sitting by myself and reading. Party poopers. For the first time since I have started to go to Shul, I really enjoyed it. More like I enjoyed following the text, but you get the picture. The funny thing is that as I'm reading, I have even more questions about texts, transliterations and pronunciations. Poor Amy. Now there's even more questions to not get answered adequately. So with borrowed siddur in hand (thank you RD) I trudge on..

With the reading well under way, we are going full-steam ahead! Next week I am learning to make a large batch of challah and perhaps finish the alphabet. With the high holy days around the corner, I would like to be able to follow along in the siddur better, providing that the Rabbi isn't speed reading. There is a ton for me to learn and do, and we're just getting started. I am very lucky to have a few people to help me out along the way. I'm grateful to have my friend M help me at Shul and set me straight, and my P in T for helping me to read and fulfill yet another goal. It's great to have someone to turn to for help when you need it; it's one thing to open a book or peruse a website, but there is something more reassuring and definite in speaking to someone face-to-face. Especially when they actually want to help you.

I want the world (or at least the 6 people reading this) to know that I think that M and Amy are the cat's arse and the bee's knees! And as they read this (that's 2 of the 6 already) I can hear them smile and feel them blush. So in case I haven't said it to their faces already, thank you!  8)

I will conclude this week's rant with a riddle; how do you get a straight answer from a Rabbi?

You don’t.


baby steps..

 

 

 

My over-education has prevented me from getting married

It seems that I am being reminded more than usual of my current relationship status by my friends and well-wishers alike inquiring into my love life and sending me postings of get-togethers, religious rants and cutesy romance pics. I appreciate the concern and strategically well-placed bits of useless advice. Really, I do. But YES, I've been on J-Date; YES, I go to Shul; YES, I try to go to as many Jewish events as I can; YES, I've been on many a shidduch - thank you for putting these great ideas in my head cause it NEVER occurred to me to try these things out. Over the years I have spent a small fortune on dating websites and various Jew-Dos with few results, aside from meeting my brother in law (prior to meeting my sister) at a lock and key party and meeting my X through a dating website. Despite 5+ years and a short engagement later, I’m still checking the ‘single’ option on my tax return. As Gina would say “you have to kiss a lot of frogs”- which is usually used in reference to choosing glasses, but it works well in this scenario. Regardless, I think I have a wart.

A friend of mine inadvertently sent me a blog posting the other day talking about what is considered  to be one of the happiest days of the year; the 15^th of Av which is the day that we celebrate love and matchmaking. The article tells of how back in the day, the daughters of Jerusalem would wear borrowed clothes and dance in the vineyards to try and catch the eye of any single man who may be looking for a bride. This being 2015, I need to modernize this concept. I could borrow my sister’s dress and go do the chicken dance in the liquor store as I live in Toronto and the closest vineyard would be at least a 2-3 hour drive away. Would this get me a date? Perhaps with a security guard or an orderly at the local psych ward. As much as I love my friend, the article didn’t do much for me or my ego.

If this was not bad enough, a few days later Revi G talked about it at shul. He spoke of the dancing daughters and how it’s a mitzvah to help us single folk. 'We need to think about our single friends and see how we can help them meet someone; invite them for Shabbat or help make a shidduch'. I noticed how he avoided eye contact with me while he spoke. I am the 'young' single woman of the group, after all.

It is said that God determines one’s soul mate 40 days before conception. That is some wacky pre-planning, especially when one may not even be a thought or consideration to their future parents at that time. Either way, if I do my math and calculate correctly, the 40 days + conception + pregnancy + 40 years (converting the day-to-year factor by x10 and cross multiply the fractions) then I am right on track and should be meeting my bashert ANY time now! Can you tell I achieved an A+ in math? The problem is that God may know who my soul mate is, but I don't. Like most people, we know what we like in the opposite sex and from experience, we know what we don't want. Our soul mate is exactly that; the other half of your soul, the missing part of your very being.

I recently read a great piece of advice on trying to decide if the person you are dating is the right one to marry. It said to take a piece of paper and make 3 columns and list them as ‘must haves’, ‘important to have’ and ‘bonuses’. Under each column it suggests to put as many items as you wish as this is supposed to be what one is seeking in their bashert. For example, under the first I put “makes me laugh and Jewish”, under the second I put “loves dogs” and “can cook” and under the last I put “tall and nerdy”. Yes, the geekier and lankier the better - but it doesn't mean that is who I will end up with. There really isn’t a right or wrong trait as this is what we are attracted to and our heart desires - and to see how many of these traits our prospective mates have. It is a good exercise to do, and when someone asks what you are looking for in a man/woman, we can refer back to the list. By the by, if I were Wiccan, the paper would have been set ablaze and the ashes buried. Whatever helps I say.

The problem is that we put too much pressure on ourselves and what we want from others. We have to lose those few pounds, do our hair and makeup, wear the right outfit and say the right things. Don't want to offend, or scare someone off. Don't talk about this or that, say that you love everything, and will go anywhere. Or, many people are alone because their list of 'must haves' is so long, there isn't any room for anything else. I read dating profiles and many men my age all want to meet a woman who is half their age, athletic and works out 6 days a week, cooks, cleans, religious, pious and can balance a plate on a pole on their nose while hula-hooping and braiding a challah. Can't YOU do all that?

Aside from the constant reminders of my singleness this week, one of the inspirations of this blog is the lack-of-dating theory someone told me the other day. She said that the reason for her being single and men not wanting do date her was what she referred to as “her three O’s”; she is overweight, overeducated and over-aged. I said with an attitude like that, I wouldn’t want to date you either. I think the O’s should have been overbearing, overly-annoying and over-negative. I wouldn’t say that being in one’s 40’s or 50’s is old, I was never a waif and always had a boyfriend or a date; I have spent 8 years of my adult life earning a degree (technically two) and a diploma and I am constantly wanting to expand my education and currently learning Hebrew and a hint of Russian. I love learning new things every day. How can a person possibly be over educated to the point that it is unattractive to the opposite sex? I knew there was a reason I wasn't married. Now I know. Please remember this is NOT a friend of mine, but an acquaintance of an acquaintance.

Yes, physical attraction is a factor in every relationship, but if a person has a lousy attitude and/or lack of confidence, they will come off as unattractive and will turn people off. No one is perfect, and I’ve only met one person who face and ears are symmetrical. It is our idiosyncrasies and imperfections that make who we are and if there is something that you do not like about yourself, then do something about it. It’s a matter of waiting to find someone who appreciates your quirks and adores you just the way you are.

A rabbi said that we need to explore our religion and like our lives and who we are first before looking for our bashert. Pray for others in the same situation as you, so you may receive the blessing first as well a your friend; do a mitzvah so that you will merit the blessing of finding your soul mate; put your faith and heart in God's hands and trust that His timing is always right. In the mean time, please stop kvetching to me cause I don't wanna hear it.

Baby steps..