The Talmud says not to tease the fat kid

It is amazing what we choose to remember and what stays with us through life. The cantor once mentioned that a friend of mine used to tease him in high school. Almost 30 years later, this still didn’t sit well with him. Now that we are no longer dating, I mentioned this to my friend. I said that I heard he was a bully and teased * *.  My friend’s response to this was “I don’t even know who that is”. Wow. What clearly was a traumatic experience for one person was nothing but another day to another. What one person cannot remember, the other cannot forget. Words can truly affect us, both good and bad. Just as praise can boost our egos and make us feel special, insults can destroy us.

I recently paid my sister a compliment by telling her the chicken she served for supper was “the best she’s ever made”. I really meant it. A few weeks later, I was surprised to find out that she had taken my praise as an insult. A backhanded compliment if you will. Wha?? Her thinking was if I thought the meal she served me was the ‘best’, did that mean that every other chicken dish she had served me was awful? This one comment I had made stayed with her and bothered her. Last time I say anything out loud about her cooking..to her face.

My communications teacher said that our first response to other’s actions (or lack thereof) is usually a negative one. It’s human nature, it’s the way we tick. If someone does not call us, we have a million negative reasons running through our heads – are they mad at me? Did they forget? Did I say something to upset them? All negative. When we are dishonoring people, we only think of the bad memories. When we speak of someone we no longer want to associate ourselves with, we usually insult them and put them down. Believe me, I usually have nothing nice to say about my X, so I choose to not talk about him. When we are honoring people, we always think about the good memories we have of them and sing their praises. A mean person can have good qualities about them, just as a nice person can have bad qualities about them. The question is how do we want to remember that person and how will we speak about them?

My mother used to say that (Jewish) people aren’t allowed to insult her or speak badly of her because she is a widow and that’s lashon hara. Imagine my surprise when I found out its true meaning. Lashon hara is destructive speech. Nothing to do with widows or single mothers. SHOCK! Not only is it a sin to speak bad about another person (whether the information is factual or not) but it is also forbidden to LISTEN or BELIEVE what that person is saying. If we are having an argument with someone, we aren’t allowed to insult them, even if they really ARE a putz. You can’t say it, just think it really loudly to yourself.

The Talmud says that evil gossip kills three; the one that says it, the one who listens, and the subject of the gossip. It’s even compared to murder and idol worship. Think about it, if a person is so hurt by what we say that it affects their self worth to the point that they carry it with them for years and start to believe that that is who they are, then you might as well have used a gun instead of words. When a person becomes insecure and cannot accept someone else liking them just the way they are because they are so used to being teased about this or that, you’ve ruined their chance for happiness.

My whole life I was fat. Cute, but fat. I was a fat kid, fat teen, even fatter young adult. At my heaviest, I weighed over 220 pounds and was a size 20-22. Was I teased? Does a Big Mac have 2 all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun? With a bit of sweat and tears (mostly tears) I now weigh 165 pounds, have one chin and wear a size 10-12. I still refer to myself as big or fat (usually in reference to my arse) and when I have a stomach ache, I rub my belly and say 'the twins are kickin'. I still want to shrink more and fit into the Calvins sitting in my closet without the muffin top. Most days I feel good about the way I look and there are days I feel like that 220 pound slob. No matter how much weight I lose or what I look like, there will always be someone who thinks I'm overweight and those negative remarks will always be there. I just need to tell them to bugger off.

We can't change what we have done or said in the past. If we teased someone, even in jest, apologize to them. If you know someone who was teased, apologize on behalf of the bully. Let them know how great they are, even if it makes them squirm. If you are upset with someone, write down your feelings instead of bad mouthing them to anyone who will listen. Besides, didn’t your mother ever tell you that if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all?

So, to anyone I have ever teased or insulted on purpose I apologise. Except for A., you really deserve it.  8)

 

Baby steps...