It was easier to get tickets to Elton John

Well it’s that time of year again for the obligatory attendance at Shul for the high holy days. For most Jews, this is the only time of year that they are at services; others may also come for Kaddish, but for the most part, just these few days.

Rosh Hashanah is the Jewish New Year’s celebration where apples and honey are a-plenty, we eat too much, and hear the shofar! With the addition of Yom Kippur; we fast, ask that our sins are forgiven, honor and remember those who have passed, clear up loans, perform extra mitzvot, and start anew with a clean slate. We are being judged, after all. More importantly, we get our hair, nails and makeup done, buy (at least) 2 new outfits with matching shoes, and make sure we look fabulous when we are `seen` at synagogue. After all, NO ONE wants to be in the same designer outfit (with matching hat?) that they wore to temple last year. Really!

It is almost as exciting as sitting at the Ritz Carlton during the Toronto International Film Festival waiting to see who will show up, and with whom. The who’s who of the Jewish community arrive in all their Chanel splendor; like peacocks with hats, pressed garments, botoxed forheads and shiny patented leather shoes, making sure that none of us common folk are sitting in their reserved seats. And much like an arts festival, there are billboards and media signs all over the place letting you know that tickets are ‘on sale now’ and to 'get yours early before it's sold out'. What is this? Cirque Du Soliel? I love religion; Mormons have portable leaflet stands, Evangelists have television and 1-800 numbers, and Jews have sandwich boards! Got an app for that too?

As a retired theatre technician, I know a bit about ticket selling and acquiring. No matter what, there are ALWAYS last-minute ticket deals and people who know people that can get you in. So imagine my ____________(insert appropriate word here; horror, chagrin, surprise, shock, disappointment, frustration, incomprehension, etc.) when I quickly found out the task that was before me; trying to get A (as in one, single, individual, only) ticket for myself for as close to free as I can get. Please remember I am in the process of completing my courses and now have to shell out $1600 to write an exam, so spending $200 to attend Shul is a lot of money to me right now. So with many phone calls, texts and favors asked, this is what I got;

Roadblock #1 – You have to be a member of the synagogue in order for you to get a ticket. No ‘outsiders’ allowed. Huh?

Roadblock #2 – Even though my father is on the board of directors, he cannot get you a ticket. Sorry. Okay..

Roadblock #3 – Only those who are attending services may volunteer as an usher because they are already here. No, you aren’t allowed to help out because you aren’t a member or have a ticket. What the what?

Roadblock #4 – Sure you can come to Chabad for free, but you will have to stand at the back of the room with everyone else. Sounds cozy.

Roadblock #5 – For $35, you can attend a lecture/seminar. It’s not a real service, but you are welcome to come. Alrighty then.

Can ANYONE feel my frustration? Anyone? Bueller?

My P in T asked me the other day if I ever had a problem, could I go to my Rabbi and talk to him about it? I said I didn't know, but I am always up for a challenge. So, with this in mind, I approached Revi G and asked if  he could recommend a synagogue that I could go to for services (aside from Chabad). Why? Because I am a poor, single student who is spending the last of her savings on an exam and cannot afford to pay. Humiliating enough? He said to leave it with him, and he would work on it and talk to a few people, then we will talk 'offline' about it. Ironically, I contacted him online to talk offline and he replied online to talk offline about what was said online. Got it? The end result is that he arranged for the Shul to allow me a ticket. I may have to sit with the livestock, clean the loos, work the coat check or wash his car, but I have a golden ticket and I'm off to the chocolate factory! THANK YOU, REVI G!!

So, am I telling you to harass your Rabbi for a comp? No. I am very fortunate that my Rabbi knows me, and that I am sincere, attend services on a regular basis, and that I actually want to be there. I also have to put up with his puns every week, but that is something else. Technically, I didn't ask him for a freebee, but that just happened to be the end result. He decided to do something nice for one of his congregants and did his big mitzvah before the holidays. Or, he just took pity on me, whatever works I suppose. I'm still honored and grateful.

People keep telling me that a Shul cannot turn you away, or try to negotiate with them and say what you can afford to pay. Well I am not willing to show up the day of and seeing what happens, nor am I going to beg and humiliate myself further - I've already asked for a 'student discount' on a membership, and was turned down. Look, I understand the concept of memberships and ticket sales - again, former theatre tech here, and that this is the time of year when synagogues make their money because people do not want to fork out the $1000+ to attend services a few times a year. But when a person calls up and says they want to be there, but needs a little help with the money situation, the Shul should be a little more accommodating - I did offer to usher as a barter. All I'm saying.

So with this hullabaloo behind me (I'll feel better with ticket in hand), I now need to press my dress, cut my hair, do my nails, match my shoes and wear the right accessories. Next year I will be able to purchase my ticket and buy that new outfit..with a matching hat, of course!

baby steps..

 

I hear the 'Pocket Jew' is all the rage

I would like to give a shout out to M and my P in T Amy – this one’s for you. Literally.

One of the first things I did when I began this journey was go to the library. There, I went to the religion section and took out a small stack of books to get me started. You may not be surprised as to how many books there are about Judaism, Jewish lifestyle, cooking, etc. In the back of the first book was a listing of websites of various Jewish organizations to further one’s questions and curiosities, one of which was an organization that pairs people with Torah partners. They match you with someone of a similar age and sex in your city to either meet in person or talk on the phone to discuss whatever you want to talk about in relation to Judaism (of course). After a telephone interview to find out what I would like to discuss, I am asked what is it that I am interested in learning? EVERYTHING! Is that too much? I hope you have someone to help me with this.  After a month of impatiently waiting (and a follow up phone call) they found me a tutor. Enter Amy *taaa daaa*.

My P in T (partner in Torah) Amy is a petite, frummy mummy with a smile that's infectious and a laugh to adore. A Sephardic woman (shtetl and all) who has agreed to take on the challenge of intentionally putting up with me and my inquisitive mind, poor thing. She insists that she isn't a teacher and not sure if she could give me Hebrew lessons. I beg to differ. First of all, she used to teach English; second, I say that if you know something that I do not and you are willing to help me learn about it, than THAT makes you a teacher. To further drive my point home, Merriam Webster defines teacher as 'a person who passes along information or skill'. Can't argue with that, so on with the show.

We are starting off semi-slowly teaching me to read and write Hebrew, although she insists I put off the writing for now. She constantly reminds me of what a mitzvah it is to learn Hebrew and study Torah, and I constantly remind her how I’m filling my time doing something I enjoy and want to do for myself. Potato, potahto, I suppose. The greatest surprise of all is that we are BOTH learning as we go. If there is a question that she does not know the answer to, she jots it down and gets back to me with the answer, providing her rabbi actually gives her one. I think the master is becoming the student, grasshopper. Now go paint the fence!

So when I went to Shul this past Saturday night, imagine my excitement when I was able to muddle through a few of the brachahs! Yay me! I got such a thrill that the ants in my pants were doing the Macarena. I kept asking M questions about words and pronunciations and I didn’t want to put down my siddur. Unfortunately when it was time for Kiddush, M and Revi G rather I sat in the dining room with everyone else opposed to sitting by myself and reading. Party poopers. For the first time since I have started to go to Shul, I really enjoyed it. More like I enjoyed following the text, but you get the picture. The funny thing is that as I'm reading, I have even more questions about texts, transliterations and pronunciations. Poor Amy. Now there's even more questions to not get answered adequately. So with borrowed siddur in hand (thank you RD) I trudge on..

With the reading well under way, we are going full-steam ahead! Next week I am learning to make a large batch of challah and perhaps finish the alphabet. With the high holy days around the corner, I would like to be able to follow along in the siddur better, providing that the Rabbi isn't speed reading. There is a ton for me to learn and do, and we're just getting started. I am very lucky to have a few people to help me out along the way. I'm grateful to have my friend M help me at Shul and set me straight, and my P in T for helping me to read and fulfill yet another goal. It's great to have someone to turn to for help when you need it; it's one thing to open a book or peruse a website, but there is something more reassuring and definite in speaking to someone face-to-face. Especially when they actually want to help you.

I want the world (or at least the 6 people reading this) to know that I think that M and Amy are the cat's arse and the bee's knees! And as they read this (that's 2 of the 6 already) I can hear them smile and feel them blush. So in case I haven't said it to their faces already, thank you!  8)

I will conclude this week's rant with a riddle; how do you get a straight answer from a Rabbi?

You don’t.


baby steps..

 

 

 

My over-education has prevented me from getting married

It seems that I am being reminded more than usual of my current relationship status by my friends and well-wishers alike inquiring into my love life and sending me postings of get-togethers, religious rants and cutesy romance pics. I appreciate the concern and strategically well-placed bits of useless advice. Really, I do. But YES, I've been on J-Date; YES, I go to Shul; YES, I try to go to as many Jewish events as I can; YES, I've been on many a shidduch - thank you for putting these great ideas in my head cause it NEVER occurred to me to try these things out. Over the years I have spent a small fortune on dating websites and various Jew-Dos with few results, aside from meeting my brother in law (prior to meeting my sister) at a lock and key party and meeting my X through a dating website. Despite 5+ years and a short engagement later, I’m still checking the ‘single’ option on my tax return. As Gina would say “you have to kiss a lot of frogs”- which is usually used in reference to choosing glasses, but it works well in this scenario. Regardless, I think I have a wart.

A friend of mine inadvertently sent me a blog posting the other day talking about what is considered  to be one of the happiest days of the year; the 15^th of Av which is the day that we celebrate love and matchmaking. The article tells of how back in the day, the daughters of Jerusalem would wear borrowed clothes and dance in the vineyards to try and catch the eye of any single man who may be looking for a bride. This being 2015, I need to modernize this concept. I could borrow my sister’s dress and go do the chicken dance in the liquor store as I live in Toronto and the closest vineyard would be at least a 2-3 hour drive away. Would this get me a date? Perhaps with a security guard or an orderly at the local psych ward. As much as I love my friend, the article didn’t do much for me or my ego.

If this was not bad enough, a few days later Revi G talked about it at shul. He spoke of the dancing daughters and how it’s a mitzvah to help us single folk. 'We need to think about our single friends and see how we can help them meet someone; invite them for Shabbat or help make a shidduch'. I noticed how he avoided eye contact with me while he spoke. I am the 'young' single woman of the group, after all.

It is said that God determines one’s soul mate 40 days before conception. That is some wacky pre-planning, especially when one may not even be a thought or consideration to their future parents at that time. Either way, if I do my math and calculate correctly, the 40 days + conception + pregnancy + 40 years (converting the day-to-year factor by x10 and cross multiply the fractions) then I am right on track and should be meeting my bashert ANY time now! Can you tell I achieved an A+ in math? The problem is that God may know who my soul mate is, but I don't. Like most people, we know what we like in the opposite sex and from experience, we know what we don't want. Our soul mate is exactly that; the other half of your soul, the missing part of your very being.

I recently read a great piece of advice on trying to decide if the person you are dating is the right one to marry. It said to take a piece of paper and make 3 columns and list them as ‘must haves’, ‘important to have’ and ‘bonuses’. Under each column it suggests to put as many items as you wish as this is supposed to be what one is seeking in their bashert. For example, under the first I put “makes me laugh and Jewish”, under the second I put “loves dogs” and “can cook” and under the last I put “tall and nerdy”. Yes, the geekier and lankier the better - but it doesn't mean that is who I will end up with. There really isn’t a right or wrong trait as this is what we are attracted to and our heart desires - and to see how many of these traits our prospective mates have. It is a good exercise to do, and when someone asks what you are looking for in a man/woman, we can refer back to the list. By the by, if I were Wiccan, the paper would have been set ablaze and the ashes buried. Whatever helps I say.

The problem is that we put too much pressure on ourselves and what we want from others. We have to lose those few pounds, do our hair and makeup, wear the right outfit and say the right things. Don't want to offend, or scare someone off. Don't talk about this or that, say that you love everything, and will go anywhere. Or, many people are alone because their list of 'must haves' is so long, there isn't any room for anything else. I read dating profiles and many men my age all want to meet a woman who is half their age, athletic and works out 6 days a week, cooks, cleans, religious, pious and can balance a plate on a pole on their nose while hula-hooping and braiding a challah. Can't YOU do all that?

Aside from the constant reminders of my singleness this week, one of the inspirations of this blog is the lack-of-dating theory someone told me the other day. She said that the reason for her being single and men not wanting do date her was what she referred to as “her three O’s”; she is overweight, overeducated and over-aged. I said with an attitude like that, I wouldn’t want to date you either. I think the O’s should have been overbearing, overly-annoying and over-negative. I wouldn’t say that being in one’s 40’s or 50’s is old, I was never a waif and always had a boyfriend or a date; I have spent 8 years of my adult life earning a degree (technically two) and a diploma and I am constantly wanting to expand my education and currently learning Hebrew and a hint of Russian. I love learning new things every day. How can a person possibly be over educated to the point that it is unattractive to the opposite sex? I knew there was a reason I wasn't married. Now I know. Please remember this is NOT a friend of mine, but an acquaintance of an acquaintance.

Yes, physical attraction is a factor in every relationship, but if a person has a lousy attitude and/or lack of confidence, they will come off as unattractive and will turn people off. No one is perfect, and I’ve only met one person who face and ears are symmetrical. It is our idiosyncrasies and imperfections that make who we are and if there is something that you do not like about yourself, then do something about it. It’s a matter of waiting to find someone who appreciates your quirks and adores you just the way you are.

A rabbi said that we need to explore our religion and like our lives and who we are first before looking for our bashert. Pray for others in the same situation as you, so you may receive the blessing first as well a your friend; do a mitzvah so that you will merit the blessing of finding your soul mate; put your faith and heart in God's hands and trust that His timing is always right. In the mean time, please stop kvetching to me cause I don't wanna hear it.

Baby steps..

 

 

Tikkun Olam- Repairing the world one chicken breast at a time

A.k.a. charity rant #1

 I just wrote my last 2 exams (of 8) and I am finally DONE school -  so now I can focus on the blog. Good to be back.

It seems that I can’t go anywhere without someone wanting to alleviate my burdened purse of any loose change that may be hiding within its many inside folds and pockets. Whether I am buying a coffee, grocery shopping, picking up the dry cleaning or going to the pharmacy; charity boxes are on every counter, cashiers ask if I would like to make a donation to something or a pan-handler is asking for change. Heck, even when I purchased my ‘dog repellent’ a portion of the sale went to the breast cancer society. Seriously. As much as I appreciate the good intention behind it, one can only be bombarded so much before it becomes too much and you want to give to no one.

Many families keep pushke boxes in the home to teach their children to give to others, usually to their synagogue. We were taught to help those in need and give where and when we can, whether it’s a few dimes in the box, canned goods to the food bank, or buying a pizza slice at school to help raise money for whatever. But is giving a few coins here and there, making a monthly donation, supporting a child in need or writing a massive cheque enough? Is a shiny new wing of a building or a new park really healing the world? Do we need to build another school or just try to fix up the existing ones? Are we giving because we are told that it is the right thing to do, that as Jews we should and have to, or are we giving because we truly want to? Either way, you can’t beat that tax receipt. Right?

Many synagogues have tikkun olam programs where they choose a charity or project that they are raising money for with the intention of bringing together the congregants to perform their duty of giving to others in order to heal the world. Traditionally, the act of tzedakah says that Jews are supposed to give 10% of their income to charity or whatever they can give. If you were to look around our Jewish neighbourhoods  you will see all the benefactor’s names who have given their share (or more) on the sides of buildings, busses, ambulances, benches, halls, trees, plaques and walls of various materials – this by the way, drives me nuts. Why does one have such a need of recognitions that they advertise their name in large font letters for anyone walking by to see? Thank you should be enough, but I digress..

Maimonides said there are 8 levels of giving tzedakah, with consideration that the needy receive the contributions in the most respectful and least shameful way possible;

1.       Giving grudgingly, or with regret

2.       Giving less than one should, put pleasantly

3.       Giving what one should, but on request

4.       Giving before one is asked – reducing one’s shame of having to ask for help

5.       Giving without knowing the recipient, although the recipient knows who you are

6.       Giving without making known that you are the giver

7.       Giving when neither you nor the recipient know each other’s identities

8.       Helping someone to become self-supporting through a gift, loan or finding employment

I can honestly say that I have touched every one of these levels at one time or another. Giving doesn't always mean you are a generous or good person.  A man can write a $20,000 cheque or give someone a job and still be a self-centered arse. Nothing to be admired. I’ve given to Tim Horton’s charity lots of times but never saw their camp or been to one of their hockey games. I’ve given pan-handlers change but never asked what they will do with it and I’ve given to the cancer society not knowing if any of my money went to the patients or administrative costs. We give without thinking or knowing, just assuming its going to the right place and we did the right thing. On with our lives!

Three years ago I purchased a car so I could go from work to school to home without taking the bus late at night. Her name is Kitty Boo. I also made a promise that when I could, I would volunteer myself and Kitty to Meals on Wheels. Now that school is (finally) over, I have joined the ranks and will be given my own route next week. My recipients are seniors with various ailments who need this service to survive. They have limited mobility, income and pantry items. Some are Holocaust survivors and have seen the absolute worst of the worst that I cannot and would not want to ever imagine. At the very least, I can bring them their dinner, make a little small talk and I hope to be able to share some of their stories in the future. I am doing this purely for selfish reasons - it’s my car, my time and I don’t need anyone’s permission to do it! I am helping because I can, it keeps me busy and they need volunteers.

Tzedakah doesn’t always have to be about money. The world can be healed with words, kindness and actions. Instead of donating to the food bank, GO and help to sort the cans. Instead of giving to a charity, volunteer for them. Heck, say good morning to a stranger or your neighbour because you just might make their day a little nicer. It’s our duty as Jews and as human beings. God gave us this world and everything in it, it’s our job to take care of it and frankly, it needs a little dusting.

Baby steps..

 

 

 

The Talmud says not to tease the fat kid

It is amazing what we choose to remember and what stays with us through life. The cantor once mentioned that a friend of mine used to tease him in high school. Almost 30 years later, this still didn’t sit well with him. Now that we are no longer dating, I mentioned this to my friend. I said that I heard he was a bully and teased * *.  My friend’s response to this was “I don’t even know who that is”. Wow. What clearly was a traumatic experience for one person was nothing but another day to another. What one person cannot remember, the other cannot forget. Words can truly affect us, both good and bad. Just as praise can boost our egos and make us feel special, insults can destroy us.

I recently paid my sister a compliment by telling her the chicken she served for supper was “the best she’s ever made”. I really meant it. A few weeks later, I was surprised to find out that she had taken my praise as an insult. A backhanded compliment if you will. Wha?? Her thinking was if I thought the meal she served me was the ‘best’, did that mean that every other chicken dish she had served me was awful? This one comment I had made stayed with her and bothered her. Last time I say anything out loud about her cooking..to her face.

My communications teacher said that our first response to other’s actions (or lack thereof) is usually a negative one. It’s human nature, it’s the way we tick. If someone does not call us, we have a million negative reasons running through our heads – are they mad at me? Did they forget? Did I say something to upset them? All negative. When we are dishonoring people, we only think of the bad memories. When we speak of someone we no longer want to associate ourselves with, we usually insult them and put them down. Believe me, I usually have nothing nice to say about my X, so I choose to not talk about him. When we are honoring people, we always think about the good memories we have of them and sing their praises. A mean person can have good qualities about them, just as a nice person can have bad qualities about them. The question is how do we want to remember that person and how will we speak about them?

My mother used to say that (Jewish) people aren’t allowed to insult her or speak badly of her because she is a widow and that’s lashon hara. Imagine my surprise when I found out its true meaning. Lashon hara is destructive speech. Nothing to do with widows or single mothers. SHOCK! Not only is it a sin to speak bad about another person (whether the information is factual or not) but it is also forbidden to LISTEN or BELIEVE what that person is saying. If we are having an argument with someone, we aren’t allowed to insult them, even if they really ARE a putz. You can’t say it, just think it really loudly to yourself.

The Talmud says that evil gossip kills three; the one that says it, the one who listens, and the subject of the gossip. It’s even compared to murder and idol worship. Think about it, if a person is so hurt by what we say that it affects their self worth to the point that they carry it with them for years and start to believe that that is who they are, then you might as well have used a gun instead of words. When a person becomes insecure and cannot accept someone else liking them just the way they are because they are so used to being teased about this or that, you’ve ruined their chance for happiness.

My whole life I was fat. Cute, but fat. I was a fat kid, fat teen, even fatter young adult. At my heaviest, I weighed over 220 pounds and was a size 20-22. Was I teased? Does a Big Mac have 2 all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun? With a bit of sweat and tears (mostly tears) I now weigh 165 pounds, have one chin and wear a size 10-12. I still refer to myself as big or fat (usually in reference to my arse) and when I have a stomach ache, I rub my belly and say 'the twins are kickin'. I still want to shrink more and fit into the Calvins sitting in my closet without the muffin top. Most days I feel good about the way I look and there are days I feel like that 220 pound slob. No matter how much weight I lose or what I look like, there will always be someone who thinks I'm overweight and those negative remarks will always be there. I just need to tell them to bugger off.

We can't change what we have done or said in the past. If we teased someone, even in jest, apologize to them. If you know someone who was teased, apologize on behalf of the bully. Let them know how great they are, even if it makes them squirm. If you are upset with someone, write down your feelings instead of bad mouthing them to anyone who will listen. Besides, didn’t your mother ever tell you that if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all?

So, to anyone I have ever teased or insulted on purpose I apologise. Except for A., you really deserve it.  8)

 

Baby steps...

 

 

Happy Father's Day Mum!

God tells us to honor thy mother and father, so why do we wait until a birthday or holiday to celebrate their lives? I would like to think at I am doing a decent job at honoring my parents regularly. I say the Mourner’s Kaddish at Shul, I visit my mother every week and go to the grounds often. So as we celebrate Father’s day, I will pay homage to my parents.

My mother is the only father I’ve ever known. My father Leonard/Lenny passed away 38 years ago from Leukemia and my mother never remarried. She dated, was engaged, but never married again. She was both parents to my sister and I, and every year we acknowledge her on mother and fathers day. At first, we thought it was a funny joke and figured mum just wanted an excuse to have dessert and a present. After a while it just became the norm. After all, she did the job of 2 parents.

I don’t know what a father is supposed to teach or do for his daughter aside from 'staying away from boys' and 'finishing your homework'. They are the providers, bread winners, hunters, gatherers and protectors of their brood. My mum did all of this alone.

She put clothes on our bodies, food on the table (too much if you ask me and my thighs), kept a roof over our heads and provided us with both a Hebrew and day school education. She exposed us to the arts at a young age and always took us to ballets and pantomimes when she could. She would volunteer her time with various organizations in exchange for reduced rates on day camps, ballet, girl guides and brownies so we had activities. She went without so we could have.

If there was a school field trip, she was the volunteer parent. I still think it’s funny how all the kids called her mom. School always came first and if she didn’t like the curriculum or teacher, she let them know. Schooling is very important to her. She didn’t raise ‘dummies’.

My mother instilled many lessons in us. We needed to work hard for what we wanted, nothing comes easy, always try your best and if your hands and feet are working, you’re doing okay. No matter how awful you felt, there was someone worse off than you and we were to thank God for what we had. My favorite is still her theory that “a person cannot have both brains and common sense”.

Growing up in my single-parent home was not easy. My mum was a tough-arse and nothing was just given to my sister and I. A down side to being a sole supporter, she seemed to have taken on the masculine disciplinarian role more often than I liked. Someone had to (try) to keep me in line. She provided the necessities and anything else I wanted had to be earned by me – I have been working since I was 12 years old. As soon as I finished school and began working, I had to pay rent and help out more around the house (more???). Don’t like it? Move out!

When I was old enough, I became the ‘man of the house’. Anything that needed taking care of, I did. You name it, I could fix it. Painting, carpentry, electrical work, gardening or exterminating (so gross to toss a dead mouse) I did everything. These skills are great so I don’t have to rely on other people, but my ex didn’t like the fact that I was a better handyman than him. Oh well.

I can’t say that I miss having a father because I can’t remember having one in the first place. Over the years I would just call my friend’s fathers ‘dad’ and treat them as such. I know there is no substitute for your own, but a girl can dream. M. says it can be a blessing to have not known my father in case he turned out to be not a nice man. Daddy issues? Again, no comment without the presence of a licensed therapist.

My 7 year old nephew told me the other day that grandpa lives in his house and watches over him. I told him that he was very lucky to have an angel watching over him and I was jealous.

I would like to wish Mortimer, all the fathers, step-fathers, zaidas, sabas, uncles, mothers and whomever considers themselves a dad to someone, Happy Father’s Day!!

To my mummy, you are the BEST father a girl never had!

 RIP lady

..Baby steps...

A Miracle in Richmond Hill

My mother lives in a full-care nursing home and is in the final stage of Dementia. She cannot walk, feed herself or take care of herself in any way. She does not know what year it is, how old she is or what month her birthday is in. She knows who my sister and I are, even though she gets the two of us confused sometimes and can still give the occasional dirty look or snide remark to whomever she feels deserves it. Despite the weekly negative reports from the nurses and caregivers and the recent death sentence from Dr. Obvious (thanks captain), we keep on trucking. Nothing else we can do but to continue what we are already doing. Every week when I visit, she still surprizes me - whether it's eating all her food, remembering something, understanding what I am saying, or saying something sassy.

Today she blew me away. I wrote a draft of what was to be my next posting and I was going to mention the Shema. For those of you who do not know, the Shema is the daily prayer said in the morning and evening. It is the basic declaration of faith for every Jew. The first line is sung out loud and if you have EVER been to synagogue, you have heard it. Even I know the melody. Please see below.

 

                                                 Shema Yisrael Adonai Eloheinu Adonai echad.
                                        (Hear,  O Israel, the Lord is our God, the Lord is One.)

I asked my mother if she knew what a Shema was. She said it was when people get together for a meeting (something to that effect). When I asked her to explain what she meant, she proceeded to say the first line of the prayer (see above). My mouth was hanging. After what seemed to be a long pause, she then continued to say the rest of the prayer. IN HEBREW! I didn't even know she knew it. It had been years since she had been to Shul. We had only attended services on the high Holy days and here she had memorized the daily prayer.

Here is a woman who does not know what month it is and is lying there, eyes closed, barely moving her body, saying a prayer that I have yet to learn. Not only that, she repeated it two more times! I picked my jaw up from the floor and wiped away the tears from my eyes. I had just witnessed a miracle! For whatever reason, God gave me a huge gift today and it's not even my birthday. From now on when I hear the melody I will think about today.

Dementia is a horrible, stinking disease. It steals your loved ones from under your nose, in front of your face and it takes its dear, sweet time. You mourn the 'death' of their personality, character and essence before you mourn the death of their body. After every visit, I take away something positive - she ate all her food, gave a nurse a dirty look or I didn't have to take an Adavan (or two) etc.. Today my mother (and God) made me speechless, a rarity I am fully aware of. I was shaking my head in disbelief and grinning like the Cheshire cat. I sent many thanks out today. 

For those of you who regularly or occasionally kvetch about how your parents sill treat you like a kid, meddle in your life or just drive you bananas, I would like to let you know how lucky you are. I would give anything to know what my father's voice sounds like or to hear my mother go on about how mischievous I was as a child. Just once. If your parent(s) are cognitive, mobile, can do for themselves and can have a conversation with you, be grateful and thankful. Now go call your mother.

 

..Baby steps and an Adavan..